It’s once again been a very long time since I’ve written. Spring is here and so I am working on building habits while my energy rebounds from winter. Hopefully that includes writing here more regularly.
My favorite uncle died in December, rather suddenly. It hit me even harder than I expected it to, and I expected his passing to be difficult. I grieved him the whole winter and still sometimes cry when I think about him. It has been difficult for the whole family.
I don’t feel like giving detailed updates about my personal life but suffice it to say, there has been a lot of change. I’m still working at my same job (thank goodness) but outside of work, things are in flux. I’m moving soon—I finally worked up the courage to give a move-out notice at the apartment where I’ve lived for many years and never really felt safe. I have two months to declutter and throw things away and move out. It feels incredibly freeing. Living there and constantly living in fear that someone would see what basically became a 2022 time capsule of mess was adding so much stress, and now that feeling is slowly dissolving.
I recently decided to start exercising again, from a place of love for my body and my self rather than punishment. I had a cancer scare that put many things in perspective for me, and while I don’t wish it on anyone and hope to never go through it again, I find myself grateful for the perspective shift it has given me. I can feel myself becoming more graceful and compassionate and understanding of not only myself, but others as well.
I am trying to embody gratitude more, and I hope it is a sustainable feeling. After months of shortages, I finally have my ADHD medication again and at the risk of overselling it, it’s made such a tremendous improvement in my functioning and mood. I really think that my anxiety and depression are primarily caused by unmedicated ADHD and a lack of support around my autism. The medication makes me feel capable, competent, like an adult. The ASD is of course still there, but I am developing a better understanding of it as well as myself. I am identifying with my anxiety and depression much less these days—they are feelings I have, not states of being I am. Mindfulness and journaling suddenly clicked and started making sense and working for me, so I’m running with those.
More to come.
Rosie Writes 